Hey hey hey, we're back with some super new scammer-baiting fun! This happened just this very afternoon...

Me: Hello?
G: Hello sir, this is George calling from Computer Support. I am talking to the main user of the Windows Computer?
Me: Well yes, that's me, but...
G: <cutting me off> Well sir, we are phoning today to let you know that there is a problem with a virus with your PC
Me: Wait, hang on - a virus? This isn't about the printer?
G: Printer? No, no printer.
Me: OK, did head office put you on to me, because we've been phoning about that flipping printer all week and now you're phoning from support and saying we've got a virus?
G: Yes sir, you have a virus on your PC and I would like to be taking you through the steps to remove it. Now, can you click on the start menu please?
Me: Hold on to your ponies, Jeff. We'll do that in a sec but I need to get this sorted first. I've been having to hand-write receipts for customers on the back of carpet tiles all week because you haven't fixed this printer, and in this costume it's flip-flip-flippin' difficult with the hands and all
G: I am <unintelligible> costume and carpet?
Me: yeah, you know - the costume. The monkey costume. Don't you have to wear one at head office?
G: I am calling from Computer Support sir, I am not your head office
Me: You're not? Who do you think you're calling, Jim?
G: I am talking to the main Windows Computer user, yes?
Me: Well I am here, but you've phoned the Uttoxeter branch of Carpet Chimp, the UK's no. 1 simian-themed carpet sales shop. Our prices are oo oo oo out of this world! You must have seen the adverts?
G: I...<unintelligible> company?
Me: Anyway, I've been using carpet tiles instead of paper since Billy from the warehouse got his mandrill head caught in the printer and jammed it up. So are you going to send someone over or not? I'm running out of sample books and I'll be onto the deep shag next! Hello?
G: <klik>

Car scams, day 2

Here's a tip, Morris - if you're going to try and scam people, remember to FILL IN THE GAPS/SPECIFICS IN YOUR BLANK SCAM FORM FIRST.

Honestly. Villains these days. And also, who the hell is producing scam templates???

Also, also, No. 4 isn't a condition. Idiot.

*****

Hello,
I am Morris Peterson from Scotland,i saw your advert on _ and i am very much intrested in buying your CAR and payment will be by banker's draft or cheque drawn from a Uk bank,so if you still have it for sale and you are okay with my payment method i will want you to get back to me with the following conditions below:

1,The CAR present body condition:
2,Your last offer for the CAR:
3,The latest pictures apart from the once on _
4,You can easily reach me on this number 07023026573
I'll be looking forward to your response.
Thanks and Have a Nice day.
Regards
Morris

Special guest edition - car-based scams!

Currently, we're selling our old car. Which means this week I'm now getting a very exclusive type of scamming git phone me up/email me - the car scammer. Here's what's happened so far, son:

The Email Scam

"Marten" emails me, asking whether the car is still in the same condition and what the final price for my car is. His email address is very obviously not UK-based, and I know this scam from a previous car sale - it's basically money laundering. He would want to overpay me and says he'll arrange pickup of the car later because he's abroad, and he'd expect me to send him the difference via Western Union (about as safe as stuffing an envelope with used tenners). He would then stop the transfer after I've untraceably sent him his free cash, or he'd have transferred it from a stolen account - basically, a villain. So as I know full well that it's a con, I've had a few back and forth emails...

Me: Hello Marten, yes the car is still for sale but the condition has changed due to a slight incident. Because of that I'm willing to take £1500.

<later>

Marten: Hello. Yes, that sounds OK. What is the incident please? The car is for my wife who is still in UK - I am an engineer working in Germany. She is looking for such a model for driving in the town.

If it is acceptable to you because I am overseas I will pay by transfer but this can only be done in block amount of £5000. You can then transfer the remainder to me by money transfer (Western Union) and I will then arrange for the car to be picked up.

Regards,

Marten

Me: Hello Marten,

Yes, the incident. Well I'm afraid the car is a little smaller than it used to be. I'm afraid while copying something I saw Jeremy Clarkson do on Top Gear I repeatedly rolled the car and it is now only 10 inches square - thankfully I was thrown clear and only suffered a fractured eyebrow (left) and a bruised frenulum.

The keyring is still fully operational, hence my price of £1500 as all you will need to do is have a new car fitted and then it will be fine. Or, if you happen to be approximately 2 inches tall you may be able to drive the car as is.

<later>

Marten: I do not think you take my offer seriously. Is the car still for sale or not? I will now only pay £1400.


Me: Hello Marten,

I assure you the car is still for sale. However, let's be honest. You're not going to pay anything because you want me to just send you a load of cash via an untraceable service. But kudos to you for haggling over the precise amount you were going to rip me off by - that's grade A villainy! Thanks though - I was going to send myself a test email to see if the redirect on the advert was working, but you've saved me the bother!


Marten has now stopped responding to my messages. Shame!

Me: "Hello?"
John: "Hello sir, this is John calling from Windows support for your ISP. We have detected problem with your Windows PC sir, and you have virus or other infection"
Me: "Oh, really? Well I have 3 PCs. Which one is it?"
John: "It is the one running Windows Vista or Windows 7"
Me: "Well they all are. Can you give me the MAC address?
John: "Sir, it is your computer with Windows"
Me: "Yes I know, but if you have some sort of notification it'll have details like the version of the OS, processor speed, MAC address, that sort of thing. Can you tell me any of that?"
John: "Sir, there is no need for any of this"
Me: "Well there is, because I don't believe you. Can you even tell me the name of my ISP?"
John: "Yes, I am calling from your ISP"
Me: "Yes, and who would that be? I should point out that I work for Microsoft <note: I don't really> and so you might want to hang up now, because I know this is a scam."
John: You work for Microsoft? What is your employee number? Who is your manager? This is not a scam."
Me: "I'm not telling you that! You called me! What's *your* employee number?"
John: "No, give me *your* employee number."
Me: "Why should I?"
John: "Because I asked first! I will have you fired!"
Me: "You asked first? Is that seriously the best you've got?"
John: "You are a son of a beeeeeech <note: this is how he pronounced it!>"
Me: "Seriously?"
John: <hangs up>

Seems like son of a bitch/beeeeeech is currently the insult of choice in the more dubious Bangalore call centres!

Windows scammer call no. 3!

This time I was Mr Abbott's personal assistant*, Dr. Clive Filth-handy, and got the call centre guy ("David") to unwittingly play along for 10 minutes. He happily carried on babbling away until...

Me: "I'm so sorry my PC is taking a while to start up. It's a Dutch model you see. The Ffunt 3000. It's an eco-friendly one and powered by a wood-burning boiler that needs to get hot enough to provide sufficient steam"
D: "Ok sir, I need you to <various garbage>"
Me: "Oh, that's not working"
D: "What do you see on screen, sir?"
Me: "Well, every time I right click on the start menu as requested a small picture of David Beckham appears. Is this related to the England Football Team branded mouse that Mr Abbott purchased from Dixons?"
D: "Who, sir?"
Me: "David Beckham, the former England football captain. You know - he married Old Spice out of Boyzone"
D: "I am sorry sir, what is it you are clicking on?"
Me: "Oh, now it's just playing a little video where he scores a free kick. Goooooalll!!!"
D: "I will get support to call you back later sir <clik>"

Clearly not a Becks fan!

*Mr Abbott is the former owner of my phone no., and an idiot because he clearly didn't go ex-directory.

Hooray! A "Windows support call" to liven up my day. Today, when "Roger" asked my name I was Mr Carlton Peanuckle. "Roger" then took me through a few queries before I dropped the bomb.
CP: "Oh, which computer do you mean?"
R: "Sorry sir? The computer running Windows"
CP: "Yes, I should have mentioned - I have more than one"
R: "It is the one running Windows, sir"
CP: "Yes, they all are. I have four. Can you tell me the IP address?"
R: " Sorry sir?"
CP: "You know, the IP address. Or the processor speed. Or how much RAM there is. Or the name of the virus that I have. Or what version of the OS the apparently infected machine is running..."
R: "Sir.."
CP: "I haven't finished my list yet, Roger, and I, Carlton Peanuckle, hate to be interrupted...or when the report was sent to you. Or who my ISP is. Or who the manufacturer of the computer is. You know - any of the details that you would expect to get in a report such as the one you say you have about my computer. So, any information? Any at all?"
R: Sir, we are IT experts, trust me we know"
CP: "Sorry to interrupt, Roger, but I thought I had better mention that I, Carlton Peanuckle, have all these computers because I work as a forensic data examiner on cases of computer fraud for the police. I'm actually quite famous - a bit like Sherlock Holmes and Magnum PI. Now, what were you saying?"
R: "Ok sir, goodbye<clik>"

Hello! Just a few notes on this blog:

1. Yes, I do get all these calls and I do really talk to them.
2. I know the people on the other end of the phone may well be call centre drones - but they're call centre drones who are actively engaged in criminal activity. I'm not rude to them and I don't dob them in, but by tying them up for a bit I am stopping them bothering someone else, albeit briefly. I think that's fair play, given they're trying to rip me off.
3. I don't condone or suggest you wind up other call centre staff. Some of them are just doing a crappy but crucially LEGAL job as it's the only one they could get.
4. I didn't get all the calls currently up on one day - I just posted 'em all on one day when I started the blog. I'm not THAT unlucky!

Today's scam Windows support call went as follows (and I'm not even writing in a comedy Indian voice way - this is what they said):

Steve: "Hello sir, this is Steve. I am calling you to tell you that Windows on your computer is infected by the internet, yes?"
Me: "OK"
S: "Very good sir. We can help you with this and to remove this infection that could be infecting your banking and your internet files"
M: "Oh no, that's OK - it's deliberate"
S; "I am sorry sir, I am not understanding you"
M: "It's deliberate - I'm a computer science student and I'm seeing how many viruses I can get on an unprotected computer in a month as part of a project"
S: "But your computer is unprotected sir"
M: "Yes, as I said it's deliberate. I want it to get infected"
S: "But we must protect your computer to make sure it does not download infected internet"
M: "No, because that would ruin my results. Was there anything else you wanted?"
<pause>
S: "Sir, your computer is infected. It is very dangerous"
M: "No it isn't - it doesn't have anything on it and I'll wipe it when I'm done with my experiment"
S: "Are you using Windows Vista or Windows 7 sir? We can be fixing this in a few minutes"
M: "I'm getting the impression you're not listening to me. Would you like a yoghurt?"
S: "Sorry sir, I do not understand again"
M: "A yoghurt - it's a fermented milk type dessert. I'm just having one now. It's raspberry flavour. Very nice."
S: "You are a son of a bitch"
<hangs up>

I'm assuming Steve doesn't like yoghurt!