Me: "Hello?"
John: "Hello sir, this is John calling from Windows support for your ISP. We have detected problem with your Windows PC sir, and you have virus or other infection"
Me: "Oh, really? Well I have 3 PCs. Which one is it?"
John: "It is the one running Windows Vista or Windows 7"
Me: "Well they all are. Can you give me the MAC address?
John: "Sir, it is your computer with Windows"
Me: "Yes I know, but if you have some sort of notification it'll have details like the version of the OS, processor speed, MAC address, that sort of thing. Can you tell me any of that?"
John: "Sir, there is no need for any of this"
Me: "Well there is, because I don't believe you. Can you even tell me the name of my ISP?"
John: "Yes, I am calling from your ISP"
Me: "Yes, and who would that be? I should point out that I work for Microsoft <note: I don't really> and so you might want to hang up now, because I know this is a scam."
John: You work for Microsoft? What is your employee number? Who is your manager? This is not a scam."
Me: "I'm not telling you that! You called me! What's *your* employee number?"
John: "No, give me *your* employee number."
Me: "Why should I?"
John: "Because I asked first! I will have you fired!"
Me: "You asked first? Is that seriously the best you've got?"
John: "You are a son of a beeeeeech <note: this is how he pronounced it!>"
Me: "Seriously?"
John: <hangs up>
Seems like son of a bitch/beeeeeech is currently the insult of choice in the more dubious Bangalore call centres!
Friday 31 August 2012
Windows scammer call no. 3!
This time I was Mr Abbott's personal assistant*, Dr. Clive Filth-handy, and got the call centre guy ("David") to unwittingly play along for 10 minutes. He happily carried on babbling away until...
Me: "I'm so sorry my PC is taking a while to start up. It's a Dutch model you see. The Ffunt 3000. It's an eco-friendly one and powered by a wood-burning boiler that needs to get hot enough to provide sufficient steam"
D: "Ok sir, I need you to <various garbage>"
Me: "Oh, that's not working"
D: "What do you see on screen, sir?"
Me: "Well, every time I right click on the start menu as requested a small picture of David Beckham appears. Is this related to the England Football Team branded mouse that Mr Abbott purchased from Dixons?"
D: "Who, sir?"
Me: "David Beckham, the former England football captain. You know - he married Old Spice out of Boyzone"
D: "I am sorry sir, what is it you are clicking on?"
Me: "Oh, now it's just playing a little video where he scores a free kick. Goooooalll!!!"
D: "I will get support to call you back later sir <clik>"
Clearly not a Becks fan!
*Mr Abbott is the former owner of my phone no., and an idiot because he clearly didn't go ex-directory.
This time I was Mr Abbott's personal assistant*, Dr. Clive Filth-handy, and got the call centre guy ("David") to unwittingly play along for 10 minutes. He happily carried on babbling away until...
Me: "I'm so sorry my PC is taking a while to start up. It's a Dutch model you see. The Ffunt 3000. It's an eco-friendly one and powered by a wood-burning boiler that needs to get hot enough to provide sufficient steam"
D: "Ok sir, I need you to <various garbage>"
Me: "Oh, that's not working"
D: "What do you see on screen, sir?"
Me: "Well, every time I right click on the start menu as requested a small picture of David Beckham appears. Is this related to the England Football Team branded mouse that Mr Abbott purchased from Dixons?"
D: "Who, sir?"
Me: "David Beckham, the former England football captain. You know - he married Old Spice out of Boyzone"
D: "I am sorry sir, what is it you are clicking on?"
Me: "Oh, now it's just playing a little video where he scores a free kick. Goooooalll!!!"
D: "I will get support to call you back later sir <clik>"
Clearly not a Becks fan!
*Mr Abbott is the former owner of my phone no., and an idiot because he clearly didn't go ex-directory.
Hooray! A "Windows support call" to liven up my day. Today, when "Roger" asked my name I was Mr Carlton Peanuckle. "Roger" then took me through a few queries before I dropped the bomb.
CP: "Oh, which computer do you mean?"
R: "Sorry sir? The computer running Windows"
CP: "Yes, I should have mentioned - I have more than one"
R: "It is the one running Windows, sir"
CP: "Yes, they all are. I have four. Can you tell me the IP address?"
R: " Sorry sir?"
CP: "You know, the IP address. Or the processor speed. Or how much RAM there is. Or the name of the virus that I have. Or what version of the OS the apparently infected machine is running..."
R: "Sir.."
CP: "I haven't finished my list yet, Roger, and I, Carlton Peanuckle, hate to be interrupted...or when the report was sent to you. Or who my ISP is. Or who the manufacturer of the computer is. You know - any of the details that you would expect to get in a report such as the one you say you have about my computer. So, any information? Any at all?"
R: Sir, we are IT experts, trust me we know"
CP: "Sorry to interrupt, Roger, but I thought I had better mention that I, Carlton Peanuckle, have all these computers because I work as a forensic data examiner on cases of computer fraud for the police. I'm actually quite famous - a bit like Sherlock Holmes and Magnum PI. Now, what were you saying?"
R: "Ok sir, goodbye<clik>"
Hello! Just a few notes on this blog:
1. Yes, I do get all these calls and I do really talk to them.
2. I know the people on the other end of the phone may well be call centre drones - but they're call centre drones who are actively engaged in criminal activity. I'm not rude to them and I don't dob them in, but by tying them up for a bit I am stopping them bothering someone else, albeit briefly. I think that's fair play, given they're trying to rip me off.
3. I don't condone or suggest you wind up other call centre staff. Some of them are just doing a crappy but crucially LEGAL job as it's the only one they could get.
4. I didn't get all the calls currently up on one day - I just posted 'em all on one day when I started the blog. I'm not THAT unlucky!
1. Yes, I do get all these calls and I do really talk to them.
2. I know the people on the other end of the phone may well be call centre drones - but they're call centre drones who are actively engaged in criminal activity. I'm not rude to them and I don't dob them in, but by tying them up for a bit I am stopping them bothering someone else, albeit briefly. I think that's fair play, given they're trying to rip me off.
3. I don't condone or suggest you wind up other call centre staff. Some of them are just doing a crappy but crucially LEGAL job as it's the only one they could get.
4. I didn't get all the calls currently up on one day - I just posted 'em all on one day when I started the blog. I'm not THAT unlucky!
Today's scam Windows support call went as follows (and I'm not even writing in a comedy Indian voice way - this is what they said):
Steve: "Hello sir, this is Steve. I am calling you to tell you that Windows on your computer is infected by the internet, yes?"
Me: "OK"
S: "Very good sir. We can help you with this and to remove this infection that could be infecting your banking and your internet files"
M: "Oh no, that's OK - it's deliberate"
S; "I am sorry sir, I am not understanding you"
M: "It's deliberate - I'm a computer science student and I'm seeing how many viruses I can get on an unprotected computer in a month as part of a project"
S: "But your computer is unprotected sir"
M: "Yes, as I said it's deliberate. I want it to get infected"
S: "But we must protect your computer to make sure it does not download infected internet"
M: "No, because that would ruin my results. Was there anything else you wanted?"
<pause>
S: "Sir, your computer is infected. It is very dangerous"
M: "No it isn't - it doesn't have anything on it and I'll wipe it when I'm done with my experiment"
S: "Are you using Windows Vista or Windows 7 sir? We can be fixing this in a few minutes"
M: "I'm getting the impression you're not listening to me. Would you like a yoghurt?"
S: "Sorry sir, I do not understand again"
M: "A yoghurt - it's a fermented milk type dessert. I'm just having one now. It's raspberry flavour. Very nice."
S: "You are a son of a bitch"
<hangs up>
I'm assuming Steve doesn't like yoghurt!
Steve: "Hello sir, this is Steve. I am calling you to tell you that Windows on your computer is infected by the internet, yes?"
Me: "OK"
S: "Very good sir. We can help you with this and to remove this infection that could be infecting your banking and your internet files"
M: "Oh no, that's OK - it's deliberate"
S; "I am sorry sir, I am not understanding you"
M: "It's deliberate - I'm a computer science student and I'm seeing how many viruses I can get on an unprotected computer in a month as part of a project"
S: "But your computer is unprotected sir"
M: "Yes, as I said it's deliberate. I want it to get infected"
S: "But we must protect your computer to make sure it does not download infected internet"
M: "No, because that would ruin my results. Was there anything else you wanted?"
<pause>
S: "Sir, your computer is infected. It is very dangerous"
M: "No it isn't - it doesn't have anything on it and I'll wipe it when I'm done with my experiment"
S: "Are you using Windows Vista or Windows 7 sir? We can be fixing this in a few minutes"
M: "I'm getting the impression you're not listening to me. Would you like a yoghurt?"
S: "Sorry sir, I do not understand again"
M: "A yoghurt - it's a fermented milk type dessert. I'm just having one now. It's raspberry flavour. Very nice."
S: "You are a son of a bitch"
<hangs up>
I'm assuming Steve doesn't like yoghurt!
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