Blimey, it's been a while. But also: hooray! It's been ages since I've had more than the most occasional scam call. Annoyingly though, these have started up again after we recently bought a couple of things from online shops and had to give our phone no. for delivery. One of the companies (I assume) must have sold it on. Not sure which, or I'd go round and do a poo through their letterbox. But in the meantime, after a few false starts with people hanging up too early, it has resulted in this:

(Remember, kids: I only wind these people up because they are actual villains trying to con me out of cash or info. Don't go making life shitty for ordinary bods in call centres.)

Me: Hello?

<loud beep, then a click>

Man: Hello sir, I am calling you from Windows support. Have you had any problems with computer?

Me: Well yes, actually, I..

Man: <cuts me off> Well sir I am calling today from technical support, Windows, to tell you we have some reports of suspicious activity on computer. Are you at computer now sir?

Me: No, but I'll go and turn it on. <muttering> I bet it's him. I bet it's him...

Man: OK sir, is computer on?

Me: No, it's still starting up - sorry, it's a bit slow after my wife spilled tango on the mousemat once. While I'm waiting, can you tell me when this happened?

Man: It has happened over the past few days sir, now...

Me: <cutting him off>I KNEW IT! Can you email me all the files for evidence please? I know who did this.

Man: Sir, it is computer virus from malware. It...

Me: <cutting him off again>No, no - it's my neighbour Mr Ffffotato. he's a bit pervy and he has a thing for my wife - last week he hid a handycam in a yoghurt in our fridge to photograph the inside of her mouth and yesterday I found a selfie stick in the toilet. I really need those files so I can go to the police.

Man: Sir, there is no need for police. If you click on Start menu I can help you clean computer.

Me: No, it's imperative I catch Ffffotato in the act and I must have those files. I can come and get them if you like - what's your address.

Man: Sir, I cannot give you address...

Me: <cutting him off again> WAIT A MINUTE! You won't give me your address eh? I bet YOU'RE working for him too, trying to get my password so you can access our webcam and watch my wife while she plays Foxy Bingo on the bidet.

Man: Sir,...

Me: It's too late! You've been rumbled. I'll get you, Ffffotato! You'll never see my wife's sweetbreads!

Man: <clik>