Blimey, it's been a while. But also: hooray! It's been ages since I've had more than the most occasional scam call. Annoyingly though, these have started up again after we recently bought a couple of things from online shops and had to give our phone no. for delivery. One of the companies (I assume) must have sold it on. Not sure which, or I'd go round and do a poo through their letterbox. But in the meantime, after a few false starts with people hanging up too early, it has resulted in this:

(Remember, kids: I only wind these people up because they are actual villains trying to con me out of cash or info. Don't go making life shitty for ordinary bods in call centres.)

Me: Hello?

<loud beep, then a click>

Man: Hello sir, I am calling you from Windows support. Have you had any problems with computer?

Me: Well yes, actually, I..

Man: <cuts me off> Well sir I am calling today from technical support, Windows, to tell you we have some reports of suspicious activity on computer. Are you at computer now sir?

Me: No, but I'll go and turn it on. <muttering> I bet it's him. I bet it's him...

Man: OK sir, is computer on?

Me: No, it's still starting up - sorry, it's a bit slow after my wife spilled tango on the mousemat once. While I'm waiting, can you tell me when this happened?

Man: It has happened over the past few days sir, now...

Me: <cutting him off>I KNEW IT! Can you email me all the files for evidence please? I know who did this.

Man: Sir, it is computer virus from malware. It...

Me: <cutting him off again>No, no - it's my neighbour Mr Ffffotato. he's a bit pervy and he has a thing for my wife - last week he hid a handycam in a yoghurt in our fridge to photograph the inside of her mouth and yesterday I found a selfie stick in the toilet. I really need those files so I can go to the police.

Man: Sir, there is no need for police. If you click on Start menu I can help you clean computer.

Me: No, it's imperative I catch Ffffotato in the act and I must have those files. I can come and get them if you like - what's your address.

Man: Sir, I cannot give you address...

Me: <cutting him off again> WAIT A MINUTE! You won't give me your address eh? I bet YOU'RE working for him too, trying to get my password so you can access our webcam and watch my wife while she plays Foxy Bingo on the bidet.

Man: Sir,...

Me: It's too late! You've been rumbled. I'll get you, Ffffotato! You'll never see my wife's sweetbreads!

Man: <clik>

Hello Anna...

Well I haven't had a call for a while, but today "Anna" phoned me. Lucky Anna!

Me: hello?
Anna (said at breakneck speed, with so much background noise it sounds like she's in the middle of a rock festival): Hello sir, I am calling from the technical department of your computer company as we have been receiving some error messages from your computer so I'm going to help you get this right, OK?
Me (adopting a thick west country accent): Owww, righto Aaaaaarnaaaaaarrrr, we'd better get that sorrrrrted eh?
A: Now sir, can you tell me what is the Windows version you are using?
Me (Scouse accent): Eh, our Anna, we've got Window Vista 'ere, eh? eh? Is that OK, innit?
A (seemingly oblivious): Yes sir, Windows Vista is fine. Now, can you please click on the Start menu and tell me what you see?
Me (upper class 1940s style Englishman): I say, Anna, this is a bit of a rum do. It seems my difference engine isn't responding just now. Do you think it's Jerry up to his old tricks, what? Something to do with those blighters at Bletchley Park?
A: I'm sorry, who is Jerry?
Me (cockney): You know love, Jerry Sport - USB Port! Apples and pears, apples an pears, my old man's a fishcake! Sorry darlin' just 'avin' a bit of a knees up. Now, what 'ave I got to do with me old random fruiter, computer. Click on Simpson J Bart, start? Is that a spotted dick, right click, or a currant bun, lefty one?
A: I am sorry sir, I don't follow what it is you are saying
Me (in awful, 'Allo 'Allo style German drifting into Dalek): Vot vee haff here ist ein failure to Kommunikate! Kommunikate!
A: Pasties!<klik>

Now, I don't think Anna probably *did* say "pasties", but that's what it sounded like to me. Maybe she was from the west country too?

Hey hey hey, we're back with some super new scammer-baiting fun! This happened just this very afternoon...

Me: Hello?
G: Hello sir, this is George calling from Computer Support. I am talking to the main user of the Windows Computer?
Me: Well yes, that's me, but...
G: <cutting me off> Well sir, we are phoning today to let you know that there is a problem with a virus with your PC
Me: Wait, hang on - a virus? This isn't about the printer?
G: Printer? No, no printer.
Me: OK, did head office put you on to me, because we've been phoning about that flipping printer all week and now you're phoning from support and saying we've got a virus?
G: Yes sir, you have a virus on your PC and I would like to be taking you through the steps to remove it. Now, can you click on the start menu please?
Me: Hold on to your ponies, Jeff. We'll do that in a sec but I need to get this sorted first. I've been having to hand-write receipts for customers on the back of carpet tiles all week because you haven't fixed this printer, and in this costume it's flip-flip-flippin' difficult with the hands and all
G: I am <unintelligible> costume and carpet?
Me: yeah, you know - the costume. The monkey costume. Don't you have to wear one at head office?
G: I am calling from Computer Support sir, I am not your head office
Me: You're not? Who do you think you're calling, Jim?
G: I am talking to the main Windows Computer user, yes?
Me: Well I am here, but you've phoned the Uttoxeter branch of Carpet Chimp, the UK's no. 1 simian-themed carpet sales shop. Our prices are oo oo oo out of this world! You must have seen the adverts?
G: I...<unintelligible> company?
Me: Anyway, I've been using carpet tiles instead of paper since Billy from the warehouse got his mandrill head caught in the printer and jammed it up. So are you going to send someone over or not? I'm running out of sample books and I'll be onto the deep shag next! Hello?
G: <klik>

Car scams, day 2

Here's a tip, Morris - if you're going to try and scam people, remember to FILL IN THE GAPS/SPECIFICS IN YOUR BLANK SCAM FORM FIRST.

Honestly. Villains these days. And also, who the hell is producing scam templates???

Also, also, No. 4 isn't a condition. Idiot.

*****

Hello,
I am Morris Peterson from Scotland,i saw your advert on _ and i am very much intrested in buying your CAR and payment will be by banker's draft or cheque drawn from a Uk bank,so if you still have it for sale and you are okay with my payment method i will want you to get back to me with the following conditions below:

1,The CAR present body condition:
2,Your last offer for the CAR:
3,The latest pictures apart from the once on _
4,You can easily reach me on this number 07023026573
I'll be looking forward to your response.
Thanks and Have a Nice day.
Regards
Morris

Special guest edition - car-based scams!

Currently, we're selling our old car. Which means this week I'm now getting a very exclusive type of scamming git phone me up/email me - the car scammer. Here's what's happened so far, son:

The Email Scam

"Marten" emails me, asking whether the car is still in the same condition and what the final price for my car is. His email address is very obviously not UK-based, and I know this scam from a previous car sale - it's basically money laundering. He would want to overpay me and says he'll arrange pickup of the car later because he's abroad, and he'd expect me to send him the difference via Western Union (about as safe as stuffing an envelope with used tenners). He would then stop the transfer after I've untraceably sent him his free cash, or he'd have transferred it from a stolen account - basically, a villain. So as I know full well that it's a con, I've had a few back and forth emails...

Me: Hello Marten, yes the car is still for sale but the condition has changed due to a slight incident. Because of that I'm willing to take £1500.

<later>

Marten: Hello. Yes, that sounds OK. What is the incident please? The car is for my wife who is still in UK - I am an engineer working in Germany. She is looking for such a model for driving in the town.

If it is acceptable to you because I am overseas I will pay by transfer but this can only be done in block amount of £5000. You can then transfer the remainder to me by money transfer (Western Union) and I will then arrange for the car to be picked up.

Regards,

Marten

Me: Hello Marten,

Yes, the incident. Well I'm afraid the car is a little smaller than it used to be. I'm afraid while copying something I saw Jeremy Clarkson do on Top Gear I repeatedly rolled the car and it is now only 10 inches square - thankfully I was thrown clear and only suffered a fractured eyebrow (left) and a bruised frenulum.

The keyring is still fully operational, hence my price of £1500 as all you will need to do is have a new car fitted and then it will be fine. Or, if you happen to be approximately 2 inches tall you may be able to drive the car as is.

<later>

Marten: I do not think you take my offer seriously. Is the car still for sale or not? I will now only pay £1400.


Me: Hello Marten,

I assure you the car is still for sale. However, let's be honest. You're not going to pay anything because you want me to just send you a load of cash via an untraceable service. But kudos to you for haggling over the precise amount you were going to rip me off by - that's grade A villainy! Thanks though - I was going to send myself a test email to see if the redirect on the advert was working, but you've saved me the bother!


Marten has now stopped responding to my messages. Shame!

Me: "Hello?"
John: "Hello sir, this is John calling from Windows support for your ISP. We have detected problem with your Windows PC sir, and you have virus or other infection"
Me: "Oh, really? Well I have 3 PCs. Which one is it?"
John: "It is the one running Windows Vista or Windows 7"
Me: "Well they all are. Can you give me the MAC address?
John: "Sir, it is your computer with Windows"
Me: "Yes I know, but if you have some sort of notification it'll have details like the version of the OS, processor speed, MAC address, that sort of thing. Can you tell me any of that?"
John: "Sir, there is no need for any of this"
Me: "Well there is, because I don't believe you. Can you even tell me the name of my ISP?"
John: "Yes, I am calling from your ISP"
Me: "Yes, and who would that be? I should point out that I work for Microsoft <note: I don't really> and so you might want to hang up now, because I know this is a scam."
John: You work for Microsoft? What is your employee number? Who is your manager? This is not a scam."
Me: "I'm not telling you that! You called me! What's *your* employee number?"
John: "No, give me *your* employee number."
Me: "Why should I?"
John: "Because I asked first! I will have you fired!"
Me: "You asked first? Is that seriously the best you've got?"
John: "You are a son of a beeeeeech <note: this is how he pronounced it!>"
Me: "Seriously?"
John: <hangs up>

Seems like son of a bitch/beeeeeech is currently the insult of choice in the more dubious Bangalore call centres!

Windows scammer call no. 3!

This time I was Mr Abbott's personal assistant*, Dr. Clive Filth-handy, and got the call centre guy ("David") to unwittingly play along for 10 minutes. He happily carried on babbling away until...

Me: "I'm so sorry my PC is taking a while to start up. It's a Dutch model you see. The Ffunt 3000. It's an eco-friendly one and powered by a wood-burning boiler that needs to get hot enough to provide sufficient steam"
D: "Ok sir, I need you to <various garbage>"
Me: "Oh, that's not working"
D: "What do you see on screen, sir?"
Me: "Well, every time I right click on the start menu as requested a small picture of David Beckham appears. Is this related to the England Football Team branded mouse that Mr Abbott purchased from Dixons?"
D: "Who, sir?"
Me: "David Beckham, the former England football captain. You know - he married Old Spice out of Boyzone"
D: "I am sorry sir, what is it you are clicking on?"
Me: "Oh, now it's just playing a little video where he scores a free kick. Goooooalll!!!"
D: "I will get support to call you back later sir <clik>"

Clearly not a Becks fan!

*Mr Abbott is the former owner of my phone no., and an idiot because he clearly didn't go ex-directory.